Gloria Limited

I thought I would give you an honest look into a frustration that I face while working in a developing nation. This frustration is called "limited".

Here is an example of when it rears its ugly head:
We have a teenager on the centre with a terminal brain mass. This mass also causes excess fluid to form in the brain requiring it to be drained. He has two internal drains that do this. Unfortunately the drains occasionally malfunction, blocking the fluid from draining. This then causes the teen to vomit, have a fever, and become unresponsive. I know that if he were in a country such as Canada he would be able to receive treatment for this issue from knowledgeable and caring healthcare professionals. It is heartbreaking to see the injustice that can occur just by being born in a country that does not have the resources or knowledge to provide the care that he needs. I have to reconcile with myself that I am providing the best care available to this teen by keeping him on the centre where he will receive love and care from his overseeing missionary and the Mozambican staff. I come to peace knowing that his dignity will be maintained and that when he dies it will be in peace surrounded by those who love him. Thankfully the drains are working properly again and he has recovered back to his baseline.

I am limited and I hate it. I want to have a solution and the ability to apply it for every situation I encounter. I want to do it all flawlessly and with confidence. I want to know how to handle every solution perfectly and not be insecure and faltering. I hate feeling trapped in a corner with every eye on me waiting for me to have the perfect answer and solution to the problem they just presented to me. I hate being weak. I hate feeling trapped. I hate that I respond out of anger and with a harsh tone of voice and an eye-roll. I hate feeling stupid and insecure. I hate managing people. I hate weakness and dependency and victim-mentality. I hate powerlessness. It’s so easy to hate all these tendencies in other people and blame them for making me feel the same but the real reason I hate the weaknesses in others is because they reside in me. I hate having weaknesses and feeling insecure. I hate being human. I don’t want to be a victim or powerless. Yet I am. I see problems all around me and think, what can I do, I can’t do anything, it’s hopeless. I want to feel powerful. I want to have a solution. I don’t want to be constrained. Why can’t I just fix everything and have it permanently be resolved? I want to apply a solution and have it solve the problem forever. I don’t want the problem to come back next week and the week after that. I want to tell you to do this treatment, or to take this medicine, and the problem will be solved. I want it checked off my list and never have to think about it again. But life here and I guess everywhere is not like that. Problems are not solved by one magic solution. I don't know what the answer is to my frustrations but I wanted to let you in on what I feel sometimes while working here.